Athletes That Need More Love: Kara Lang

While we're on the topic of Canadian athletes - or at least this post is, which not so coincidentally was written in close proximity to the piece about the Conacher Award - Canadian Soccer player Kara Lang announced her retirement from the game yesterday at the age of 24.



Following two torn anterior cruciate ligaments (the ever-popular ACL, next door neighbour to it's pal the mediocolateral cruciate ligament), Lang opted for early retirement rather then face the possibility of walking on a prosthetic knee before her 30th birthday. Since making her debut for the Women's National Team at the tender age of 14, the doe-eyed striker was a favorite of mine for more reasons than her 30+ goals in 90 international caps.

Before you sigh, kiss your teeth or snap y'all dirty-ass fingers at me and pass judgement, she's pretty, that's it. Can't say it didn't hurt my interest in following her playing career, but is it even wrong to mention how attractive a female athlete is? Nope. Would you... you know, hit that? Even further, is it unrealistic to say that hypothetically, the WNBA could use a player as physically beautiful as she is talented to draw attention to a small fish in a big-ass ocean of professional sports? Naaaan.

Last night, I caught a clip of her press conference, and couldn't help but feel bad for her having to retire but 6 months from a World Cup in Germany, where along with the host nation and a typically strong American side, the Canadians will be one of a handful of favorites following a surprise 1st place result at the CONCACAF Gold Cup. Retiring at 24 is the dream shared by fictional Atlantic Canadian Trailer Park residents, not that of an athlete who may have only scratched the surface of her potential.

Deep within the clouded recesses of my mind, I think as a child I was attracted to a girl that looked similar to Lang in that tomboyish/wanna-have-sex-in-7th-grade things going on kind of way. Back in the day, which for me quantifies birth to the first day of university, I had a penchant for sexy, lanky and long-legged women.

I can faintly hear the cries of the common feminist; "Oh no he didn't, trying to be all pro-fesshaanal and what not, talkin' bout Kara Lang like she a piece o' meat or somethin'".

You know what Trick - Shut yo mouf! People like attractive people. That's why attractive people partner with other attractive people. Don't hate me because I both highlight her athletic acumen and her long-ass legs. Women who watch sports cannot deny that they don't at worst take notice of an attractive male athlete, if not becoming partial to his game because of his chiseled jaw, slick fade and likely absurd junk. My ex loves the Celtics, most notably Kevin Garnett. She's a smart woman and she knows good game. Good game don't lie. KG plays with a passion and defensive tenacity that has him in very select company amongst the NBA's best. She also wouldn't mind having his chop-stick looking-like muthafuckin' ass in between her sheets. Dude's 6'11" - he is obviously hung like a T-Rex. I bet Jose Calderon's doesn't compare to a Raptor's, he's rocking tapas-like proportions bruh - No Hobo

Here's hoping the best for Ms. Lang with her post-playing days - if you read this, in a most surreptitious manner, place an OMG sandwiched between your favorite punctuation below, I'll know it's you simply by virtue of the fact that you'll be the lone commentator.


[In defiance of the oldest rule of football, Lang is seen here holding the ball in the same fashion she will hold our yet to be born child, as of this moment named Adidas, regardless of gender.]

Athletes Who Need More Love: Sports Writers Blow, Including Myself

Before we get started, don't take that title seriously, it's just that I'm a little bitter about something that happened just prior to the New Year.

Every year, Canadian sports writers take part in the voting for the male and female recipients of the Lionel Conacher award.

In the past, the likes of Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash have deservedly received the award, and this year, it's difficult to argue with the selection of Sidney Crosby, who led Canada to Gold in Vancouver despite strong competition and unmeasurable pressure incomparable to any other athlete in the country. Toronto's own Joey Votto overcame clinical depression due to the sudden death of his father to win National League MVP for the Cincinnati Reds, beating out perennial MVP candidate Albert Pujols. Alexandre Bilodeau finished third in the voting and became Canada's first Olympic athlete to win Gold on home soil.

My beef is not with the selection of the top three, but with the remainder of the Top 10, as follows;

4) Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks, Team Canada Hockey Gold Medalist
5) Geroges St-Pierre, UFC Athlete, Weight-Class Champion
6) Jon Montgomery, Skeleton Racer, Olympic Gold Medalist
7) Jasey-Jay Andersen, Dual Slalom Snowboarder, Olympic Gold Medalist
8) Andy Fantuz, Saskatchewan Roughrider, Top Canadian CFL athlete
9) Alexandre Despatie, Springboard Diver
10) Ryder Hesjedal, Cyclist, Tour De France 4th-Place Finisher (Can. record)

In brief, Toews won both Gold and the Stanley Cup - I'm cool with the recognition of his year, but not necessarily with 4th place. Georges St-Pierre is the face of Mixed Martial Arts, seems to be a good person who works hard at his craft and is a proud Canadian. Despite the fact I can't stand UFC and the use of a hyphen in his name where perhaps a period is better-fitted, I'm okay with this selection because he is perhaps the most famous of the ten athletes worldwide. I can't really argue with the selection of Andersen at 7th, for nearly a decade now, he has been a podium mainstay on the World Cup scene and is a multiple Olympic medalist.

Before I vent, perhaps I should pause for a moment to collect my thoughts - ahhh fuck it. Ryder Hesjedal finished 4th at the Tour De France, by far the most difficult and physically challenging of the aforementioned sports. You could not walk some of the hills these dudes climb on their bikes.

He was not expected to finish anywhere near the top, and was originally selected by the Team Garmin captain to fulfill the duty of domestique, which is essentially a role that requires sacrifice, selflessness and a commited sense of teamwork that puts the lot ahead of any single rider.Some are chosen to win, others to facilitate - prior to the start of Stage 1, Ryder was selected in the latter category. He overcame all of these odds to finish 4th, ahead of many of the greatest cyclists of this generation. I could argue that he deserved to win the award - actually, I think I just did.

Hockey is a Canadian dominated sport and Crosby is one of several Canadians that excelled in Vancouver, Joey Votto is the third Canadian MVP of the last 15 years (Justin Morneau, Larry Walker) and Bilodeau's performance consisted of the best 2 of 3 rounds in one day. Not to take anything away from the three aforementioned athletes, but Hesjedal would have been canonized by the Catholic Church by now were he an Italian, French or Spanish national.

Jon Montgomery rode a fucking slide down a hill and chugged beer - no wonder why the Canadian Sports Writers loved the guy. Andy Fantuz is an above-average receiver in the CFL. Were he in the NFL competing amongst the elite athletes in his sport, then perhaps he would deserve the recognition. He was in a first-year psychology class of mine at the University of Western Ontario, and a friend of mine does play in the CFL, so I won't really tell you how I feel. Alexandre Despatie - are you fucking kidding me? The guy is at least 5 years past his prime and in comparison with his primary competition, the technically brilliant Chinese Diving Team, he absolutely cannot compete. The only reason he appeared on so many podiums is because aquatics competitions limit competitors in diving to two per country in individual events.

By no means do I want to criticize any of the above athletes, well maybe Mr. Montgomery, but the point is, I wholeheartedly support amateur athletics and athletes. Canada needs to do a better job at both promoting and supporting its amateur athletes. Half of the athletes on this list qualify as amateur athletes and deserve all the recognition they get and a great deal more.

Ryder Hesjedal deserves the recognition of a proud nation, and the accolades that go along with being an elite athlete on the world stage.