Athletes That Need More Love: Kara Lang

While we're on the topic of Canadian athletes - or at least this post is, which not so coincidentally was written in close proximity to the piece about the Conacher Award - Canadian Soccer player Kara Lang announced her retirement from the game yesterday at the age of 24.



Following two torn anterior cruciate ligaments (the ever-popular ACL, next door neighbour to it's pal the mediocolateral cruciate ligament), Lang opted for early retirement rather then face the possibility of walking on a prosthetic knee before her 30th birthday. Since making her debut for the Women's National Team at the tender age of 14, the doe-eyed striker was a favorite of mine for more reasons than her 30+ goals in 90 international caps.

Before you sigh, kiss your teeth or snap y'all dirty-ass fingers at me and pass judgement, she's pretty, that's it. Can't say it didn't hurt my interest in following her playing career, but is it even wrong to mention how attractive a female athlete is? Nope. Would you... you know, hit that? Even further, is it unrealistic to say that hypothetically, the WNBA could use a player as physically beautiful as she is talented to draw attention to a small fish in a big-ass ocean of professional sports? Naaaan.

Last night, I caught a clip of her press conference, and couldn't help but feel bad for her having to retire but 6 months from a World Cup in Germany, where along with the host nation and a typically strong American side, the Canadians will be one of a handful of favorites following a surprise 1st place result at the CONCACAF Gold Cup. Retiring at 24 is the dream shared by fictional Atlantic Canadian Trailer Park residents, not that of an athlete who may have only scratched the surface of her potential.

Deep within the clouded recesses of my mind, I think as a child I was attracted to a girl that looked similar to Lang in that tomboyish/wanna-have-sex-in-7th-grade things going on kind of way. Back in the day, which for me quantifies birth to the first day of university, I had a penchant for sexy, lanky and long-legged women.

I can faintly hear the cries of the common feminist; "Oh no he didn't, trying to be all pro-fesshaanal and what not, talkin' bout Kara Lang like she a piece o' meat or somethin'".

You know what Trick - Shut yo mouf! People like attractive people. That's why attractive people partner with other attractive people. Don't hate me because I both highlight her athletic acumen and her long-ass legs. Women who watch sports cannot deny that they don't at worst take notice of an attractive male athlete, if not becoming partial to his game because of his chiseled jaw, slick fade and likely absurd junk. My ex loves the Celtics, most notably Kevin Garnett. She's a smart woman and she knows good game. Good game don't lie. KG plays with a passion and defensive tenacity that has him in very select company amongst the NBA's best. She also wouldn't mind having his chop-stick looking-like muthafuckin' ass in between her sheets. Dude's 6'11" - he is obviously hung like a T-Rex. I bet Jose Calderon's doesn't compare to a Raptor's, he's rocking tapas-like proportions bruh - No Hobo

Here's hoping the best for Ms. Lang with her post-playing days - if you read this, in a most surreptitious manner, place an OMG sandwiched between your favorite punctuation below, I'll know it's you simply by virtue of the fact that you'll be the lone commentator.


[In defiance of the oldest rule of football, Lang is seen here holding the ball in the same fashion she will hold our yet to be born child, as of this moment named Adidas, regardless of gender.]