Ruminations 14.0

Arsenal's 4-4 draw with Newcastle Saturday was one of the worst experiences of my Gunners fandom. Being accustomed to a squad that typically finishes with the fervor of a Levitra-spiked old man having his way with an inflatable partner, even Saturday's result seemed unusual.

With Manchester United losing later that day to Wolves, breaking their unbeaten streak at 29 matches, Arsenal had a brilliant opportunity to close the gap at the top of the table to two points behind Sir Alex and his band of merry d-bags.

Having gone-up 4 goals after only 26 minutes, the result seemed to be set in stone. A bad red card and an unbelievably poor penalty call in the box amidst some stagnant defensive tactics equaled 4 goals for the Geordies from Newcastle and left many a Gooner with mouths agape.

Fear not, Gunners supporters and Man U haters alike have much to be thankful for, as the EPL schedule makers have United playing both City and Chelsea in the coming days. Let's hope both results bring with them losses and compound fractures to the likes of Shrek Rooney and Dimitar Berbatov.


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On a lighter note, and by lighter I mean that in a hyperbolic sense, not literal by any means, I've recently put a few quid in a local 'Death Pool' to see if I could fatten my pockets at the expense of others. Always a fan of the utmost sense of Shadenfreude, I see no harm in profiting from other people's deaths much in the same way the U.S. has through their questionable foreign policies and the raping of the Middle East.

Joining Hugh Hefner at the apex of my Death Pool selections is that fat fuck Adam Richman from OLN's Man Vs. Food. With each episode, the portly Jewish man continues to expand horizontally while his hairline recedes like the spring tides of Georgian Bay. Using only empirical evidence, if somebody ages with each episode as if it was in intervals of 5-years, they are probably living on borrowed time.

Having said that, later this month I will be visiting my sister at school in Cleveland, where an entire episode of Man Vs. Food was filmed, and I plan on shaving a few years of my life by consuming trans fats as if they're going out of style.

Mid-Week EPL Review

Just in case some of you had to work these past few days, fear not, I have the all you need to know about the English Premier Leagues mid-week matches.

With the transfer window closing late Monday night, the first week of February marks the beginning of the stretch run for clubs in the English Premier League. At this juncture, full points become vital not only for the handful of clubs chasing the EPL crown, but also for those hoping not to be relegated at season’s end.

On Tuesday, league-leaders Manchester United trounced struggling Aston Villa 3-1 at Old Trafford to stay atop the Premier League table. More than simply 3 points for the United faithful, Wayne Rooney scored twice marking a possible return to form amidst a season of disappointing individual performances.

Arsenal remained 5 points back of United with a 2-1 win over Everton at North London’s Emirates Stadium. The Gunners came from behind following a missed offside call that resulted in a goal for Toffees striker Louis Saha. Arsenal substituted physical play for their typically flair-driven football in preparation for their mid-month Champions League tilt with All-World Spanish giants Barcelona.

Chelsea got a much needed 3 points away at Sunderland with a 4-2 victory to remain fourth in the table, with goals from Terry, Lampard, Kalou and Anelka. Record signing Fernando Torres is expected to make his debut Sunday against his former club Liverpool.

West Bromwich Albion and Wigan drew 2-2 at the Hawthornes in a match between two of the EPL’s clubs trapped in the relegation zone. Both clubs desperately needed the full 3 points.

Wednesday marked a vital performance for Liverpool, as they claimed their 3rd consecutive Premier League win with a 2-0 victory over Stoke City. New signing Luis Suarez was substituted into the match in the 63rd minute to rousing applause from supporters at Anfield, only to score an insurance marker in the 79th to ensure the victory.

Birmingham came from behind twice at home to Manchester City for 2-2 draw. With the other 3 clubs in the top 4 getting full points the previous day, City was dealt a crushing blow to its title hopes with the draw. They now sit 8 points back of cross-city rivals United with an extra game played.

Tottenham remained 3 points back of Chelsea for 4th with a 1-0 win away at Blackburn. Peter Crouch’s 4 minute goal was enough to deny a Blackburn side that fought valiantly for new manager Steve Kean.

At Craven Cottage, Fulham continued a run of good form as Damien Duff scored against his former club Newcastle for a 1-0 victory.


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Wednesday also marked the announcement by Manchester United defender Gary Neville of his retirement retroactive right the fuck now. He came through the United Academy ranks alongside the likes of David Beckham, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Nicky Butt and enjoyed plenty of success with the club in his 20 years. I've never liked the guy. That won't change now. Good riddance Gary.

That's that kids - enjoy shovelling tonight and don't forget, not only is the Super Bowl this coming Sunday, but Chelsea play Liverpool in Nando Torres' return and the Magic visit the Celtics.

Ruminations 9.0

Greetings and salutations to my devoted readers and an extended hand to those who have the virtuoso-level supplies of patience necessary to tolerate me as a real person and not a clandestine character whose identity is neatly veiled by the insipid grays of the interweb.

Here's hoping that everyone had a safe and joyful Christmas time. In case you care, or in the event that you don't, I had a wonderful Holidays spent with family, and despite my thoughts of solitude that I shared with you all prior to the break, I have no complaints...

Especially when you consider the present that was delivered on a blustery night in North East London this past Tuesday.

Arsenal 3 - 0 Chelsea

Thanks Santa. For once, I actually got something that was on my list.

Theo Walcott looked like a man possessed, and despite some early heavy touches by he and captain Cesc Fabregas, the two managed to team-up on two occasions in a two-minute second-half span that cemented the much needed result. The top of the table is tighter than a newborn stuffed with an engorged yam, made even better by Lee Bowyer's late equalizer last-night against Man United that has United, cross-town poofters City and heroic talismen Arsenal within close proximity.


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In the spirit of the scatter-brain state of Ruminations, I wanted to take but a brief moment to identify something that really pisses me right off. Previously, I've done rather well by my lofty standards to point-out some massive violations of the English language, both spoken and written. As a writer, I take pride in the words I produce and on the maintenance of a high-standard of said writing.

Sure, every once and a while, I'll publish a "having said that" or a "be that as it may", but this is my site, and I don't receive a penny per word, only an enhanced self-esteem, now similar to that of an anorexic goth-chick from a flyover state with a history of childhood abuse and glue consumption.

Having said that (piss-off), in a past piece about titled "The Death of the English Language", I identify the problem with writer's usage of cliches. Like using a vibrator during sex, there's a time and there's a place for such things.

Cliches, proverbs, popular metaphors and analogies can all do a great deal towards helping to paint a picture for a reader, but like the flogging of a dead horse, there are invisible limits which should not be traversed.

What really angers me is the usage of the word 'proverbial', as in "you hit the proverbial nail on the head". In conversation, when a term such as the aforementioned is used, unless you are literally putting a finishing nail in a ninety-degree casing while framing a home, we mutually comprehend that you are not actually striking a nail with a hammer, but instead accurately depicting or answering a query.

There is never ever ever a need to say proverbial - it is sophomoric, novice and fucking stupid.

If you choose to resort to a proverbial statement, make a concerted effort to avoid saying the word. Your friends will appreciate it.