Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Times: They Are A Changing.



Shit sucks now days, or is it now-a-days? Whatever it may be, stuff blows.

The internet seems to be a tool of efficacy, but really people may not be anymore intelligent and are far less resourceful as a result. This blog may have reached fewer when etched in massive stone tablets strewn along the routes travelled daily by chariot, but to read it was to seek it out. The current manifestation of my thoughts involves little effort to access and is often stumbled upon by those deceived by the articles' tags.

When i was a kid, nobody was allergic to shit. Now candy bar wrappers have large images identifying that the product is 100% peanut-free. If a youngster shows one instance of defiance or attention trouble in school, before soon he will have a prescription for some pharmaceutical.

Shit sucks now-a-days.

This picture reminds me of better days, when the internet wasn't yet a twinkle in some nerd's eye and people weren't so paranoid about health and wellness.

I love this picture.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Streetcar Diaries



The elongated streetcar came to rest at the corner of Queen St East and Connaught Ave. The driver announced over the speaker system that the 501 Queen St Eastbound car would be going out of service once the passengers had disembarked. The three dozen or so people on the car were informed to proceed to the front to obtain a transfer in the event that they did not already have one and leave the car as another one will be along in a few minutes to continue eastbound to the final destination Neville Park.

I was seated in the streetcar’s rear section with about a half dozen other commuters likely on their ways home from work. Once the driver had finished his announcement, I got off the train at its rear doors, peered westbound down Queen Street in hopes that the next train would be approaching and took my place on the sidewalk with my fellow passengers.

It was a beautiful August afternoon and the next streetcar was quickly approaching as promised by the driver of the previous car. Because of these aforementioned variables, spirits were unusually high amongst the stranded few and conversation could be heard between several of the people waiting on the southeast corner of Queen Street and Connaught. Typically, I stood quietly in hopes that the following streetcar wouldn’t be packed with passengers and that it would be the elongated model that features a secondary car connected to the first by way of wires, cables and clamps that are wisely veiled by a housing compartment where I have stood many a time, wanting a seat to become available to accommodate my quickly-aging lower back and often languid legs.

As the streetcar approached, I noted that not only was it nearly empty, but that it was the elongated model I had pined for, and as I boarded, I made my way to the rear of the second car to sit in exactly the same positioned seat I had sat in on the first car that was taken out of service no more than 5 minutes earlier. My preference is to sit on the left side of the car, three rows of seats from the area adjacent to the rear double-doors. I sit next to the window, fully ajar, with my left arm’s elbow jutting out the window, left leg bent and perched on a ledge about a foot and a half above the floor, neck bent and head down.



Once I had seated myself, I notice that three men who were riding the previous car with me have all sat in the exact same seats they were seated in on the previous car. A man not more than 25 sat two rows behind me on the other side, also adjacent to an open window. He had dark, shortly-cropped black ringlets and a slim moustache. His dark spectacles at first glanced appeared to be a hipster-like fashion statement, but upon second glance, seemed to be quite consistent with his contemporary eastern-european book-nerd appearance. I looked back at him a few times in an attempt to sneak a peak at what he was reading, however unfortunately I couldn’t clearly make-out the book’s title or author, so I turned back around and continued to read my book. A middle-aged bald man sat to my right, three seats over on the other side of the aisle and was presumably text messaging a friend of his on his archaic, sepia tinted flip phone as I noted he was doing on the previous car. The other passenger that was seated in the same seat on the streetcar that had gone out of service was an African man in his late 20’s that appeared to be from a West African nation like the Ivory Coast or Ghana based on the shape of his forehead and nasal column. He peered out the window, constantly craning his neck as if he had just spotted something familiar, turning his head to the right until whatever he had seen was merely an object in the distance.

I wondered to myself if the other three passengers were cognizant of the fact that we had all sat in the same seats we had been sitting in on the previous car. It seemed to be a natural, instinctual move to sit where you had previously found comfort, but nonetheless I found it unusual, if not amusing. We are all creatures of habit, sometimes so much so that we don’t even take note of the minute variables that contribute to such a habitual way of life.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

An Effort is An Effort Nonetheless.



An article in the Toronto Star last week highlighted efforts being made by the city to implement rental bike-docking stations in the downtown core. This concept has proven to be quite efficient worldwide, especially in several parts of Western Europe.

While in Pars, I purchased a Metro Pass card for 5 euros that allowed me to place a deposit of 150 euros (roughly the value of the bike) from my credit card onto the card in order to use a bike from one of a hundred docking centres throughout Paris' 20 Arrondisements.

Once I mastered the system, it became a most effective means of travelling throughout the city, as the bike i had borrowed in Montparnasse could be docked adjacent to the Louvre at a station on Rue Rivoli. A bike I had picked-up near the Champs D'Elysees in the city's West End could be dropped-off at the absolute other end of the city while I stopped for a cafe elongee next to Parc Bercy. I would cover the city by pedal pusher, and without taking into account the deposit (which was returned to my credit card within 24 hours of leaving the city and contacting the VeloB Head Office) it was free. The system has a loop-hole of sorts. Renting a bike and having had it returned to a docking station of your choice within a 30 minute window was free. Anything in addition to this half hour would work-out to be around a euro an hour. With the option to dock the bike wherever you please in the city, head north from Montparnasse and stop for a beignet du chocolat, before heading north to Rue des Rennes for a little D&G. Total time spent on bike - 25 minutes with a cost of zero euros.

Besides the lack of processed foods in France and neighbouring countries, no wonder the French as far less morbidly obese than the average North American. They walk, they bike, and they eat fresh foods.

While at first glance I was inspired by Toronto's efforts to institute a similar program, the concept called for a few docking stations within a grid of Bloor St to Front St, between Spadina and Jarvis Streets, which is simply put, too small of an area. Yes, many people work within this parameter, and riding to and fro work would be a great means of some physical activity and a reduced carbon footprint, however very few people work and live within this area. In order for this system to work, the area must cover a much larger scale to be effective and purposeful.

Monday, August 2, 2010

This Week's Winner of the Dave Parker Award for Excellence: Ashley Cole



First off; my sincerest of apologies for the two-week hiatus. To say I have been a busy bee would be a mild understatement. With work, the Tour, the novel and my enhanced social-life, I haven't found much time to work on the blog, and in addition to all this, I've failed to maintain the enlightened standard of the early entries, and am thus slightly embarassed.

Anyways, what better way to jump back into the wild world of having your own pointless website than to identify another recipient of the Dave Parker Award for Excellence. This entry is a bit different than the past award winners because they were all gentleman I actually respected. In this case, Chelsea and England right-back Ashley Cole is the complete inverse. This man had it all; he was a key component of Arsenal's perfect season and as a member of the "Invincibles", he bedded and wedded the country's premier bird, Cheryl Tweedy. While as a member of the Gunners, I was able to look past his emotional immaturities and shortcomings. Then came the day he signed with cross-town rivals Chelsea amidst their overhaul and subsequent attempt to purchase the Premier League trophy by Russian tycoon Roman Abramovitch.

At this exact moment, he became dead to me and each and every time he paced the right flanks I prayed that my eyes would be aborted. He started wearing white often, Cheryl left him for greener pastures and he became the oft-injured Ashley Cole, a deviation of the talent he was at Highbury.

To see him now, holding a smoke with the Travolta scissor-finger technique and standing in a typically afeminite way, is an extremely redeeming moment for me.

Ashley, you used to be my second favorite athlete, now you just suck.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

This Week's Winner of the Dave Parker Award for Excellence: Barry Obama



Honestly, dude's stressed-the-fuck-out, let the man have a smoke. Look at the expression painted on that visage, the man needs a break. When i was 12, I discovered that having a Kit-Kat Break was a pointless exercise, and I soon replaced the fatty confectionary with a ciggy.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A Half-Assed Entry (No Homo)

Every writer encounters writer's block at some point in their career. For some it's a temporary obstacle, for others an eternal achilles heel. Many famous wordsmiths have turned to alcohol and drugs as a means of producing fluiditous works and avoiding such obstacles. Since I've been super-busy over the last few weeks and unable to maintain this site, I thought why not get hammered one night and see what brilliance I could produce.

Two of my most beloved artists, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Herman Melville thrived on the sauce, and while their love of liquor may have derailed several elements of their personal lives, I can only appreciate how great their literary works are. (Read Melville's 'Pierre' more than once.)

Without further ado, I present the first, and the absolute last time that I will ever get incoherently plastered, write something comparable to drivel and share it with my friends and peers. I present to you, the worst thing I have ever written:

Hey yo hey yo straight the fuck up! It's just me, ma bra and me two dogs this weeken. wienie pon da diving-board at that an dem nationals ina de winipeg....pardon the spelling errorrrs and a dem but me parents witha with them to adem winnipeg olla at me dun. it's a 3:440 am and graveyard be ad drunk as a fuck'a bra. tewuila and a dem beersequal at a mass destructiojn braaaaa braaaaaaaaaa.

well te point ids thatbdem a two dem two dogs lay at m feet dem a with me have thast cheese what thhhhhhe dfuckadfre a demfrach .

dogs. gnaarley .

dogs . braa...


What more needs to be said?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Tour De France: The Dave Parker Way.



As far as sports months go, June was pretty good, but with the start of the Tour De France and the culmination of a month of football in South Africa, the NBA Free Agency clusterfuck and Wimbledon Final, July takes the cake.

With the first day of the Tour complete, I thought it would be nice to commemorate the event with perhaps the greatest cycling photo ever. Of course there are some great shots of mud-covered competitors from Paris to Roubaix that stand-out as some of the better sports-related action shots, but to be consistent with the general theme of this blog, marinate on that above photo.

Watch the Tour on OLN and become inspired. Visit my boy Marty at Urbane Cycles at John and Queen in Toronto and tell him how much you love Dutch Total Football and you may get a deal on a shiny new set of wheels.