The massive Swede producer and retailer of inexpensive and poorly constructed modern furniture have been using their throw pillows, tea-lights and cardboard coffee tables as a means of subliminally conveying their socio-political ideals.
By allowing young image conscious urbanites to furnish their entire apartments for $74.99, people are buying into what they think is a design scheme, when in reality it is a nearly-invisible silent revolution. Whether you have recently purchased fun fluorescent plastic cups or a $4 Alfredsson lamp, you have unknowingly subscribed to a Swedish underground political regime, a powerful movement founded on the concept of transforming men into a softer version of themselves, commonly known as pussies.
Ikea’s flower-trimmed pastel platform hypnotizes women with little or no difficulty, however it’s starting to have a similar effect on the opposite sex, contributing to the birth of a new breed of well-exfoliated and moisturized males known to many as a Metrosexuals.
You may be asking yourself how exactly Ikea is accomplishing this? It’s quite simple really; by making man’s surroundings soft, supple and symmetrical, it’s forcing us to evolve into a more maternal, caring man that is responsible and conscious of his surroundings.
Just when you thought daddy’s little addictions to Pro-Line and to the ballet of buxom blondes at Brass Rail were going to ruin the family, think again, it could be his love for arranging the pillows on the new Sanheim three-seat sofa with matching ottoman that will send mother running for the hills.
It is vitally important, now more so then ever, that man does not attempt to defy the parameters of the conventional family model. While mother is preparing the meat loaf, the alpha-male father should be in the backyard, cutting firewood while listening to the game, smoking a filter-less cigarette in his Carhardt overalls. Instead of creating a pointillist inspired mural on the wall with small Fanaholm picture frames, man should be out fishing or working on the car, menial activities that are extremely essential to the maintenance of the family structure.
These are obviously some sweeping generations that are bound to offend many, but the point remains; the lines which divide the conventional family model are becoming blurred beyond recognition. As the number of working women increases, so do the number of stay-at-home dads, many of whom are adopting new hobbies that equate to money in the pockets of some already-wealthy Scandinavians.
Seventy years ago men had their futures chosen for them. Conscription meant that regardless of race, creed, status or stature, men were forced to fight for their country. The two World Wars, and to a lesser degree Vietnam twenty years later, more or less dictated the make-up of the family model. Men went to war and the women stayed home to do whatever they could to assist the cause domestically. The soldiers that survived returned home in an attempt to return to what was left of their normal lives and continue earning for their families.
There was little to no room for stoned freeloaders, 28-year-olds living in their parents’ basement and the indecisive lot working on a fourth B.A.. The point is that in the past, men were forced to quickly forget the irresponsibility’s of childhood to embrace a future of relentless, mainly unglamorous work until their eventual demise.
Mind you, there is nothing wrong with equality. If women want to be the breadwinners – so be it. Furthermore, I encourage this participation and would insist that any woman be given the same opportunities as their male counterparts. The issue lies not in the desire for equality, but of the modern man and his yearning for an art-deco inspired kitchen with corresponding dishware and a mosaic-tiled backsplash.
All’s not lost though. If we join together, as a strong and unified gender, man can once again claim his supremacy and control the modern family the way it was meant to be. Some assembly required.
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