Okay boys, this one’s for you. Since today’s Valentines Day, and it’s been quite a while since I last imparted some wisdom upon the throngs of followers of this site, I thought why not share some advice with my male readers. I’m certain the women who read this site will enjoy it as well.
Regardless of how much you care about today or how much your significant other may or may not, today matters to women. They may say otherwise and act with an air of nonchalance concerning the day, but if your girlfriend/fiancée/wife has a vagina, today matters to her. If she does not have one, or you are having difficulty finding it, there are other sites on the internet that may be able to help.
In hopes of helping others, I’ve compiled a list of simple, cost-effective things that a man can do to show his appreciation on this special day.
1) How about a little manscaping? Can’t see the forest for the trees? Grab a pair of shears, preferably the follicular variety and not the pruning type, and go to town on your junk. If it looks like you have ‘In Living Colour” era Marlon Wayans in a headlock between your thighs, be careful, there’s a penis in lurking about in there. I have no such problem, but word has it that a little trimming around the shaft can give the impression of increased length. Give it a shot, what’s the worst that can happen.
Personally, I’m a fan of the Charlie Villanueva look. Try it yourselves if you have the cahones necessary for the job. If you are not as fair-skinned as I am, perhaps you have some Mediterranean blood in you and once you start shaving your junk the transition to the mohair sweater growing on your thighs creates a disparity of sorts that resembles a sand-blasting of the family jewels, fear not. Do as I do, wear ridiculously narrow and slim-fitting pants and before you know it all your leg hair will join your floor-littered pubes on the unemployment line.
Remember this is for the ladies. You think she enjoys busting-out the Venus on her box for you weekly? Worst yet, the sheer empirical value of a Brazilian outdoes any discomfort we could experience down there, so make the sacrifice and clean up the bloody pig sty you call your dick.
2) Buy your woman flowers. Even if she doesn’t love flowers, she will. Perhaps she has a little bleeding heart feminist screaming at her from within the dark chasm she calls a conscience telling her to shun the modern conventions of female gift-giving/problem fixing. If so, she’ll still love some flowers on Valentines Day.
At worst, even the most deadbeat of boyfriends should buy his girl some flowers. Have them wrapped by the florist in a simple, one-colour wrapping paper if you are to present it to your lady in this form, if not, purchase a non-descript vase for the bouquet. The vase should not take away from the flowers and their aesthetic value, however it should be of such a height that the mouth of the vase is three-quarters of the way up the stems.
What type you ask? Well, roses are generally can’t fail, but there’s little to no effort in buying a dozen roses. It’s been done. Furthermore, each coloured rose represents a different theme. If you are madly in love with your significant other and you opt for yellow roses, you suck buddy.
With the onset of spring in the coming months, why not a collection of lilies? Women love them some callow lilies and if you look closely you’ll notice the flowers resemble a very meaty vagina, which may or may not be your thing.
I’m a fan of Peonies, but their lack of girth and presentation may not be the most romantic effort. I say a shitload of various lilies with some baby’s breath and other fillers for volume will result in at worst a handjob.
Attach with the flowers a brief, concise note expressing your love. Don’t use the ghetto-ass stationary at the florists. Women love expensive stationary, so I suggest purchasing a small piece of matte board or something from Papyrus (also available at Indigo) and placing it with the flowers. Fuck an envelope. Be honest and use your own words. If you have a penchant for poor grammar and sentence fragments, veer not away from your tendencies. Be as genuine as you can boys.
3) Buy her something she’ll love, regardless of how unpractical it may be. She knows you want to fuck tonight. She might as well, but probably not as much as you do, even with the new shapely redesign of your reproductive area.
Buy nothing that so much as suggests you want that pussy tonight, save that for a rainy day. Don’t buy lingerie, sex toys, 2-in-1 warming creams or porn. Buy your woman lingerie on a random Tuesday when she feels fat, not on Valentines Day.
Maybe that Sex in the City 2 DVD she’s been bugging you about or the newest piece-of-shit book on Oprah’s booklist (minus the J. Safron Foer – that’s my boy). If she loves that ridiculously over-priced artisinal popcorn in a vintage tin from Williams & Sonoma, buy it and do yourselves a favour, don’t even look at the bloody price. Get her something she will love, even if it is something you won’t. Relationships are all about compromise and she will invariably be turned-on receiving something she’s certain made you cringe at the check-out.
Good luck boys. Using the aforementioned tips, I’m encouraged that you will all be a huge success tonight, ensuring at least one night of sanity in your relationships. Don’t forget, you’re starting to look like shit too what with the expanding waistline worthy of elasticated maternity pants and the hairline receding at a quicker pace than the dissipation of the polar ice caps.
Remember, tonight she comes first. There is obviously a double entendre in there for you – figure it out.
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