Arsenal's 4-4 draw with Newcastle Saturday was one of the worst experiences of my Gunners fandom. Being accustomed to a squad that typically finishes with the fervor of a Levitra-spiked old man having his way with an inflatable partner, even Saturday's result seemed unusual.
With Manchester United losing later that day to Wolves, breaking their unbeaten streak at 29 matches, Arsenal had a brilliant opportunity to close the gap at the top of the table to two points behind Sir Alex and his band of merry d-bags.
Having gone-up 4 goals after only 26 minutes, the result seemed to be set in stone. A bad red card and an unbelievably poor penalty call in the box amidst some stagnant defensive tactics equaled 4 goals for the Geordies from Newcastle and left many a Gooner with mouths agape.
Fear not, Gunners supporters and Man U haters alike have much to be thankful for, as the EPL schedule makers have United playing both City and Chelsea in the coming days. Let's hope both results bring with them losses and compound fractures to the likes of Shrek Rooney and Dimitar Berbatov.
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On a lighter note, and by lighter I mean that in a hyperbolic sense, not literal by any means, I've recently put a few quid in a local 'Death Pool' to see if I could fatten my pockets at the expense of others. Always a fan of the utmost sense of Shadenfreude, I see no harm in profiting from other people's deaths much in the same way the U.S. has through their questionable foreign policies and the raping of the Middle East.
Joining Hugh Hefner at the apex of my Death Pool selections is that fat fuck Adam Richman from OLN's Man Vs. Food. With each episode, the portly Jewish man continues to expand horizontally while his hairline recedes like the spring tides of Georgian Bay. Using only empirical evidence, if somebody ages with each episode as if it was in intervals of 5-years, they are probably living on borrowed time.
Having said that, later this month I will be visiting my sister at school in Cleveland, where an entire episode of Man Vs. Food was filmed, and I plan on shaving a few years of my life by consuming trans fats as if they're going out of style.
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