FIFA: Crooked-Ass Bastards

"I'd say it's about this big give-or-take an inch" replied Blatter when questioned about the one of the many dildos included in Russia's lavish gift basket sent to the Swiss FIFA boss.


South Africa, Brazil, Russia and Qatar.

Four countries that have more in common than you may think. They are all third-world nations with notable major issues. They are also the hosts of the last World Cup, and the three that will follow until 2022.

Legacies matter to pompous men who wear expensive suits and have far too much power. Where NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman's legacy was growing the game in the sun-belt, and his former boss NBA Commish David Stern's was financial stability and a worldwide profile, FIFA President Sepp Blatter's will be remembered as the man who spurned Europe for other more irrational choices.

Russia is the world's largest country, and beyond the lack of a solid infrastructure, the sheer size of the country provides some serious obstacles for travel between venues. They are also in need of some new stadiums and it would be nice if their government weren't corrupt and tied to the mob, as seemingly every Russian appears to be. President Vladimir Putin is the world's Alpha Dog and likely sent Blatter a gift basket of birds named Svetlana and Oksana that went to town on Ol' Sepp.

Qatar makes a little more sense than Russia, only because the Middle East has been a bit of an untapped resource for FIFA and has pockets that are economically viable. However, beyond these pockets exists a third-world country that is stuck in the 19th century, with a government-imposed ban on homosexuality and stringent laws against alcohol consumption. Besides this, the temperature during the day can reach 110 degrees and the country is roughly the size of Connecticut.

Are you fucking serious? England's bid for 2018 received only 2 votes to finish 4th out of 4 teams. The U.S.'s bid for 2022 was similarly received by Blatter, a man who has far too much power considering the pantheon of ignorant statements and decisions he's made in the past. England is the birthplace of the game and since the World Cup 1994 hosted by the Yanks, the game has grown even more so and many clubs around the world have experienced an increase in revenues based on American consumerism.

While pundits believe the on-field fracas between Birmingham and cross-town rivals Aston Villa supporters the other night may have doomed the English bid, it's clear that Blatter was against the idea from the get-go. During the selection ceremony Thursday he even pointed-out that China, not England, is the birthplace of soccer. Bollocks Seppi, kicking-about the decapitated head of a Hun doesn't qualify as the creation of the world's game.

FIFA is corrupt and it has never been as apparent as yesterday. My plans to attend a future World Cup with my yet to be born offspring have now been dashed by one man, who like other power-drunk bureaucrats worldwide, needs to step-down before he is forced to resign.