Ruminations 13.0

First things first - I had an unbelievably busy week which culminated with a visit from a friend from the UK - so excuse me if there hasn't been a post in a week's time. I know how upset you all must be and how this site plays such an integral role in your daily lives.

Accept my apology with the same sincerity and genuine tone that the above personal message is seasoned with.

In today's installment of Ruminations, I'd like to tackle, nay, lazily gloss over some things that have been ruffling my feathers of late. To remain consistent with one of the general themes of this blog, I like to emphasize variations of the English language and common colloquial that are assisting in the Death Of The English Language (click on the link on the right-side margin to familiarize yourselves.)

Because of my love of literature, my experiences with journalism and my penchant for the use of larger words to convey a veiled sense of pretentiousness, I am a very literal person. I fancy the usage of words to be as they were intended and scoff at the misinterpretation and bastardization of terms.

Since I am so literal, today's term/word of choice may seem ironic. But it is not irony, rather coincidence (again, please read The Death Of The English Language excerpt on Irony.) The over-usage of the word literally is killing me.

Qualifying a thought or notion by attaching the word literally is one of the most wasteful and unintelligent things a person can do. Sure, there is a purpose to the term and its proper usage.

Let's start simple here. Literally is an adverb that comes from literal, as in the interpretation of things. It has 4 principle meanings and usages and they are each as simple to understand as the next.

1) In a literal or strict sense - What does a word mean? Literally. i.e. poo means shit, literally.

2) In a literal manner, word for word - Translate something literally.

3) Actually, as in without exaggeration or inaccuracy - i.e. I literally shit my pants. Not figuratively, where as Jay Cutler played like crap, boy did he shit his pants (see shit the bed.)

4) In effect, in substance or very nearly - In this sense, its interchangeable with 'Virtually".

Using the term literally has its purposes, this is clear. If used properly within the parameters of the aforementioned 4 means, it is an effective way of avoiding hyperbole and confusion. What bothers me is when ignorant teenagers use it as every 3rd word in a sentence.

I contemplated fabricating a conversation between two teenage girls where the misuse of the word literally would be borderline pandemic, but my readers are an intelligent lot and familiar with such blasphemy. In addition to this, I literally did not want to make your eyes bleed.

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One last thing. This is not as much for my readers as it is a reminder for myself if I should ever be faced with the possibilities of being a parent.

As a child, I was a bit of a pain in the ass (that would be figuratively, not literally - as a child, Elton John was a bit of a pain in the ass, literally.) I was constantly in trouble and in the midst of being lectured by my mother whilst eating ants and starting fires.

One of my mother's go-to lines was "How many times have I told you not..."

A day would not go by without having these words uttered in my direction. The point I am struggling to make is, did she really expect me to be keeping count? When I become a father, can I come-up with an alternative to getting my point across? Recalling how insolent I was as a child, I'm surprised I didn't keep count.

"Well mother, you have told me 1,296 times not to play with my food, but it is now, as it was the previous 1,295 times a moot point since I clearly do not tolerate listening to you."

Surely there are more efficient means of getting one's point across no? Perhaps I am just too literal for my own good. Regardless, there's your blog post guys, hope you're happy.