Beverly Hills 90210: A Celebration of Greatness

All of this Beverly Hills 90210 retrospection has allowed me to reflect on some of the shows more comedic elements - and of course Simmons and Berry for the inspiration arghh. Has any other show in the history of television been so skilled at providing unintentional comedy? Probably not. There are certain elements of the show that are timeless and transcend genres, however there are several others that are unfortunately dated, hence the unintentional comedy. I could likely sit here all day rehashing some of the finer moments that resulted in a moment of unscripted humour, but I would like to focus on Tori Spelling's character Donna Martin and her numerous unbelievable story arcs.

During season 4, approximately 20 million viewers tuned in each week to witness the trials and tribulations of the students of Beverly Hills High. Albeit, at this point they were in their first year of college and no longer students of the famed institution where for some reason it took the kids three years to complete their junior and senior years (except David, who was a freshman in the first season while everyone else was a junior, and amazingly completed high school in three years.) Among these millions of viewers, the majority were teenage girls who all shared a common bond; the hatred of Donna Martin's character, her gnarley hamburger-patty like cleavage and the jealousy that went along with it.


She doesn't need Glamour Shots, she needs facial reconstructive demolition performed by a skilled labourer and a pneumatic chisel. I am an asshole.

To state the obvious, Tori Spelling is not an attractive woman. Her father Aaron created the show, and thus Donna Martin's character was thrust upon the viewers each Thursday amidst some incredible development in her life/career. I would like to point-out some examples of such unbelievable plot twists to identify just how much unintentional comedy was a result of her character.

There is no chronological order to this list:

1) Donna becomes a children's fashion designer when the daughter of the character played by Hilary Swank finger-paints on some of her designs. Some how, this results in Donna becoming an established pattern maker and seamstress to the children of Beverly Hills.

2) While in Paris visiting Brenda, Donna is approached by a fashion designer who begs her to stay in France to begin a lucrative career as a runway supermodel. Apparently the aforementioned designer was visually impaired, because not only is Donna fugly, but is not the most apt runway walker (see #3.)


As if David now bangs Megan Fox. Look, I don't think she's as hot as most other males in my 18-34 demographic, but it is still an accomplishment for Mr. Brian Austin Green, and a nice step-up from Donna's Belmont Stakes-like appearance.

3) At an inexplicably hugely successful fashion show at the school, Donna not only displays some of her design creations, but she models them too. Watching Donna struggle down the catwalk with the 1990's most known horse-face (Sarah Jessica Parker takes the cake for the post-millennium Seabiscuit look-a-like contest) is an unbearable sight. To say she is awkward would be an understatement.

* As a sidebar, at this same fashion show, which for some unmentioned reason is attended by many celebrities and luminaries, David is discovered by a Los Angeles radio director for his DJ'ing skills. During the fashion show, David is seen off to the side spinning records and providing some inspired hip hop scratching techniques that catch the eye, rather the ear of this radio executive who offers Brian a position at his station. A few episodes later, Brian becomes a talk-radio host, providing his on brand of advice, despite the fact that he has zero experience and it is one of the most coveted positions in American radio. As far as unbelievable story arcs go, David's character was not only a talented DJ and academic prodigy, but an accomplished musician who often performed at the Peach Pit After Dark in the shows later seasons.

4) While in college, amidst one of their numerous fights, Donna and David are approached during a spat and told that they would be the perfect talk radio advice team. Because of this, they do exactly that until their tandem of brilliant words is split-up only to have Donna holding court with her own show during the day, while David jealously continues to slave away on the station's overnight show.

* Advice I would take from Donna Martin; how to have disgusting cleavage that clearly identifies your ribcage and the location of your zyphoid process and solarplex region, how to have the lengthiest face in the history of homosapiens... you know what scratch that, how to have the longest face in the animal kingdom, how to not fuck any of your boyfriends in hopes of maintaining your virginity, only so all of these boys can run-off and bang girls like Valerie (Tiffany Amber Thiessen), etc. How to date the large African American captain of the basketball team (Desean Hardell) only to have him take-off because you wouldn't let him enter the birth canal (which, as far as missed opportunities go, if the script had had Desean take Donna's virginity it would have been a massive moment, especially when you consider the 90's were not as acclimated to inter-racial couples as we are today and the fact that Donna's mom was a huge racist - recall her reaction to the two dancing at the Debutantes Ball.)


With David's 'blown-out' hair and Steve Sanders' use of the word bro, it's easy to see where the inspiration for the cast of the Jersey Shore came from.

5) Donna graduates High School. At first glance, this may not seem that unbelievable, but it is. She was caught cheating and kicked out of Beverly Hills High by Mrs. Teasley (who for some unknown reason was at her staggette party for her marriage to David). While the kids were finishing up their senior years, Donna was at home adjusting the face and the massive rawhide saddle on her back which was irritating her sciatic nerve. Seeing Donna graduate amidst her peers was a moment of pure fiction, and as a result unintentional comedy.

As far as examples of unintentional comedy are concerned, it's hard to match Donna Martin's penchant for being laughed at and not laughed with. Sure, in hindsight Dylan's monotonous one-liners and sideburns (fuck i wish this blog has footnotes, because remember when Dylan is drinking again and Brendan glares at his beer in disgust, Dylan replies with "You want one bro, or you just gonna stare at mine?". Also, another great one-liner comes when Brendan attempts to assist Dylan amidst another booze-ridden binge by informing him that he's the only friend he has left, Dylan replies "Bro, the bridges I've burned have paved my way"... that is genius writing right there!) Also see Steve Sanders clothing choices and hairline, Andrea's age, gut, physical appearance and relationship with Brendan, Kelly's haircuts and choice in men, Ray Pruitt's singing career and the fact that not only did he go on tour without a band, label or record, but he also kicked Donna down the stairs at that hotel. Also, the multiple owners of the Peach Pit After Dark, Valerie's entire character, though clearly the most attractive, was a major source of unintentional comedy, the episode where Luther Vandross performed at the After Dark, Nat's wedding was attended by only two adults, him and his wife, Nat's wife becoming pregnant in her 50's, the racism episode where Brendan and the editor of the newspaper at the all-Black Shaw High run each others editorials, the school dance that caps that same episode... honestly, I could go on for days and days, however I unfortunately have things to do today and just wanted to take a moment to highlight many examples of unintentional comedy on Beverly Hills 90210, namely the numerous exploits of Donna Martin.