The Self-Identification of The Douche-Bag

Greetings to my populous following and those who have been struck by a lightning bolt of fortune and stumbled upon this page. To remain consistent with this week’s theme of judging others, I have been traversing the avenues and lanes of this fine city of mine, in search of examples of self-identifying garments and the image they project. As previously mentioned, I am not one to judge and am the first to acknowledge that I have as many, if not more flaws than a first model Apple product or our local transit authority – however sometimes a novice writer must opt for an easy-laugh in hopes of keeping his audience.

Having recently entered the fourth decade of my existence, the image I project, by way of the clothing I wear has become of greater importance to me. I rarely wear shirts that feature a prominent logo or emblem simply as a means of ‘dressing my age’ and am conscious of how others may judge me based on what reflection my clothing may portray. Unfortunately for many, a t-shirt is often an adequate means of understanding a person and their motivations without even having to share a brief conversation.



Ed Hardy is an industry leader in the field of self-identifying its target market. Any person who chooses to wear an $80 t-shirt emblazoned with gold, skulls and the company name dozens of times in calligraphic writing is speaking volumes about the kind of person he or she is. This person has a collection of trainers and tennis shoes, a designated tooth brush that keeps said footwear gleaming-white and eight pairs of Diesel jeans of the exact same shade. The gym, tanning and laundry are all staples of an average day. This person loves mixed martial arts and has either a barbwire tattoo or a Chinese character on the neck which stands for important virtues like ‘strength’ and ‘axe effect’ (Just Google Image search Ed Hardy or Douche Bag and be amazed at the amount of photos depicting such a demographic. I would have posted more but could honestly not stomach the sight of men covered in tan-in-a-can.) I could go on for hours, but the point is that these t-shirts act as a means of self-identification for its wearer.



Like the term ‘hipster’, the ‘douche-bag’ has become a coinage of sorts for a terrifyingly fast-growing membership of the 18-34 demographic. Where the horn-rimmed spectacles and fixed-gear bike is the self-identifier of the hipster, the Ed Hardy t-shirt performs the same function for the d-bagger. Despite the fact that these aforementioned tees are a serious eye-sore, their value as a means of identifying the douche-bag type is unquantifiable, and their contribution to society is immeasurable. We all owe a debt of gratitude to Ed Hardy, however I would still like to see each and every shirt burned in a mountainous pile of filth, redeeming mankind and his common sense and appeasing the Muslim world for the threat of burning the Qu’ran. Or we could send them all to Africa, so impoverished little orphans can run about in t-shirts that cost more than the value of their nations GDP and make mosquito nets to protect the children at night from the malaria-transporting insect.