As I stare at this photo of LBJ about to lock lips with Damon Jones, now I realize why LeBron decided to take his talents to a sexually-liberal city like Miami. Cleveland's state flower is the 'No Homo'.
1) He embarrassed himself, ESPN and the city of Cleveland with that stupid 'Decision' program that left everyone wondering who exactly consults him on such matters. His High School teammate and CEO of his management firm Maverick Carter clearly has one client and will be working at Denny's slinging Grand Slams by year-end.
2) LeBron refuses to marry his baby-mama (the mother of his children for those caucasian readers whose births pre-date the first season of MASH.) She's had two baby giants run-through the confines of her birth-canal, stretching her like a animal hide used to make drums, yet he still will not marry the woman.
3) He named one of his boys Bryce. Quick, imagine you're a black kid - think of another name that screams white-boy more than Bryce? Imagine growing-up with a name like that. I pity the fool.
"Hey 'Bron, while you're down there, BJ for a ring, I've got 5"
4) For all his raw talent and unbelievable physical advantages, he lacks the killer instinct. Perhaps he cannot be faulted for lacking the one element that seperates the Jordans and Kobes from the Wince Carters of the NBA, but don't annoint yourself the 'Chosen One' only to sign with Miami to play second fiddle to Dwayne Wade, who has already brought a title to the city.
5) LeBron is soft. Sure, he's built like an outside linebacker and has the hops of a Leffe Blonde, but his antics before games and his post-game hugs and chats with the opposition make me sick. When Jordan ran the league, he would drop 50 on you, shit in your mouth and maybe throw a half-ass high-five your way post-game. These days, LeBron is the epitome of whats wrong with the league - these guys don't want to embarass each other, they want to discuss their new Hip Hop record labels or where the best place to get laid in Milwaukee is. If I was built like LeBron, I would be dunking on anything that moved and eating their children.
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