At Least He Had Some Time To Think About What Was On His Mine

Because of liquor laws, my bar doesn't serve miners, but I'll make an exception for 32 Chileans and a Bolivian.

No, I didn't laugh at that one either.

At this point, nearly everybody has heard of the plight of the 33 miners trapped in a Chilean mine and the subsequent rescue mission which concluded yesterday. The safe removal of the men was much ahead of an initial schedule and quickly became front-page news worldwide. It's always a treat when you can bury the bloodshed and disaster for page 3 and have a feel-good story out-front.

As ridiculous as it may sound, without a doubt there is an ambitious screenwriter somewhere voraciously penning this last chapter of the trapped miners and their heroic return to the surface, in hopes of having it on some suit's desk for Monday morning and in theatres by 2013.

This is premature.

The real story is Yonni Barrios Rojas. Rojas, 50, was the 21st miner rescued Wednesday around 4:30 in the afternoon. He has 25 years of experience working in mines and was the de facto medic among the trapped colleagues because he had first aid training. He has been married for 28 years to Marta Salinas. She opted not to wait at Camp Hope for his resurrection. Susana Valenzuela, his mistress of 5 years did.

Apparently Yonni's wife ran into Susana a few days after the mine shaft had collapsed at an area nearby designated for family members of the 32 Chileans and a Bolivian. Needless to say she was unaware of the affair, and the two didn't really hit it off, despite the fact that they share much in common (i.e. Mr. Rojas' junk had been all up in both their messes.) Despite the fact that Yonni expressed a desire to have both women awaiting his return, only the mistress Susana was there when he appeared Wednesday afternoon looking more ashy then Chris Bosh's elbows (fuck you CB4, have fun in the showers with LBJ.)

Yonni Barrios Rojas is an asshole, this is clear. I'm an advocate of NOT FUCKING SOMEBODY ELSE BEHIND YOUR SHORTY'S BACK - sorry, had a moment... fuck my early 20's - but by no means is this the story. People are for the most part untrustworthy. The intriguing script would center around the first meeting of the two recipients of Yonni's liquefied babies at Camp Hope, and from there, spiral out of control into a hilarious comedy starring Penelope Cruz as the hot mistress (obviously exaggerated from photos I've seen of Ms. Valenzuela - she's gnarly looking) and another Latin woman as his wife, if I can only think of one. Oh yeah, that en fuego mammy from "Y Tu Mama T'Ambien" that runs away with the two boys (played by Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna) because she is dying of cancer. She's so hot she gets the two young men to rinse each other. I just IMDB'd her, I think her name is Ana Lopez Mercado. Having said all of that, there is an opportunity for an amazing script there, and if I had more time, I'd write it myself.

On second thought, perhaps I will once I've finished the first season of Big Bang Theory: B.E.T. Edition (see below.)