Ruminations

We here at the Bad News Blog are committed to proper and thorough journalism and the pursuit of the truth. Because of this transparency and the absolute honest approach we take, I would like to point-out that I invented Facebook years before that jewey Harvard brat. It was initially a collection of my favorite baseball cards collected in a binder, each of which had mildly-offensive mustaches drawn on with a sharpie.

Anyways, where was I? Has anybody noticed how adorable raccoons are looking this summer? To reference Darwin, I believe these furry pests are actually evolving into a cuter version of themselves, which is smart in the sense that I am more willing to have them rifle through my garbage without throwing a jagged rock at them. Survival of the fit. Take that creationists!

Ever notice how some words that describe something quite wonderful actually sound a little negative. Inversely, there are terms that refer to terrible things that actually have quite a nice ring to them. Vaginal intercourse sounds yucky, but it can be very satisfying. On the other hand, Juvenile Diabetes is a horrible congenital disease that attacks the innocent, but doesn't it have a nice ring to it? Juvenile Diabetes bra.

For somebody that loves punctuation, boy oh boy was I disappointed by a recent colonoscopy. Here I thought I was going in for a sentence break, but instead had a camera shoved-up my ass. Amazing.

The other day while flipping channels, I saw maybe a minute of that show Glee. I wanted to abort both my ears and my eyes. That shit is terrible, but the hysteria which surrounds it makes sense because WE ARE ALL TURNING INTO SOFT LITTLE FUCKIN' PUSSIES!!!! Sure, I exfoliate with a nice apricot scrub and make sure to moisturize each morning, but I eat as many dead animals as possible, and if I could, I'd kill them myself. With a bat, bludgeoning the most helpless of animals, eating it raw with a nice au jus or hollandaise.

I hate when the title of a show or film is misleading. Like Nelson said to Bart when exiting the cinema after seeing 'Naked Lunch'; "I can see at least two things wrong with that title." This explains my complete and utter disappointment with the popular sitcom 'Big Bang Theory'. I had hoped it was comedy starring two best friends played by Mo'Nique and Queen Latifah, as they search for a decent man who understands the benefits of bangin' a big ass. Eureka! I should write this script... Now.

Big Bang Theory: Episode 1 Scene 3

LaTheresa (Mo'Nique) walks hurriedly down the sidewalk, stopping on a dime and turning into a Subway sandwich location, nearly destroying the doorway and the entire foundation with her girth.

LaTheresa circumvents the dozen or so people in line to face her best friend, ShaReefah (Latifah), who is in the process of making a veggie wrap for a petite asian woman.

LaTheresa - "HEEEYYY YOO Micheele Kwan git da fuck up outta ma way ya heard me? It's lunch time holla if ya hear me!!!"

ShaReefah - "Whaddup giiiirlfriiiend? What it do today girl?"

Looking ever frustrated by both her hunger and socio-economic situation, LaTheresa replies angrily:

LaTheresa - "You know, trying to git me and mine a muhhhfuckin sandwich. Let me get a foot-long cold cut trio wit a side of Kobe finishing all over ma big-ass titties"

Both women laugh hysterically, so much so that ShaReefah begins coughing rather violently, turning to her manager, a timid, kind man from Bangladesh.

ShaReefah - "Hey yo Slumdog Chamillionaire let a sistah git a break for about 5. You know me need me a Newport."

LaTheresa - "True dat mahfucka, you best be making me that damn sammich first ya heard what I said mafucka did I stutter?"

Imran, the diminutive manager completes the preparation of her foot long quadruple bypass, hands it to her as ShaReefah removes her apron and latex gloves and is followed outside by LaTheresa, who has in but a minute already devoured half the sandwich.

Commercial Break

At this point, I believe I have no other choice but to continue writing this script in hopes of having it optioned by a major production company. Thanks for visiting Bad News Blog again, I appreciate your support.