Companies are careful to be overly literal and self-explanatory to a fault to avoid a potentially crippling lawsuit. This is why commercial lawyers drive tight whips and call valets and bartenders things like 'chief' and say 'cheers' instead of thank you - like fuck your cheers, I poured you that beer dickweed, I'm not having one with you. Holy fucking tangents Lahey, where were we bra?
Oh yeah an example. True dat, quadruple true.
Obviously a freshly poured coffee expiring vapors can lead to a burning sensation when in contact with flesh and potentially harmful if not properly handled, but is it necessary to have a warning identifying such safety concerns clearly visible on each cup. Would you put your first born child, better yet your dick in the mouth of a great white shark? No flippin' way. Ok that's an awful example. Let's refer to our grade 4 science texts and the chapter on changes of state; when a liquid is heated beyond its boiling point, it turns into a vapour. If a liquid is hot as fuck, but not yet at its precipice of change, it will still release vapours. The precedent for such a warning was a case against McDonald's in 1994 where a woman filed a lawsuit seeking damages for being burned by the restaurant's coffee.
The reason I mention this specific case is that now, 16 years later there are no limits to the ridiculousness of such warnings.
Each example of these warnings was preceded by an instance that either cost the company or employees money, time or grief. Somebodies schnauzer must have taken a crunch on the carpet at Denny's to merit the following, but how excessive does it sound:
NO LIVE ANIMALS!
No shit. Thank you for specifying that I am not permitted by law to bring a live animal into your fine establishment. Can I walk into my neighbourhood diner with the carcass of a dead animal, because according to the signage, it only specifies 'live animals'. You'd think they'd be more specific, by being less specific. Follow me? I mean, in a way much of what the restaurant is serving is likely and example of a dead animal.
At this point, I'm tempted to disregard my dislike for walking about holding a dead animal in my clutches only to prove somebody wrong. Yes, I do realize I come off as a prick and seem to complain a lot, but pity those that actually know me.
As stated above, all of the warnings and signs are in place to save someones ass, only because in the past, they've been burned by those who sit on their couch all day watching Nascar and playing scratch lotto's in search of their next payday = frivolous lawsuits. I understand the motivations of said companies looking to prevent a lawsuit, because if I hate one thing, it's obese, complacent Americans who are always in search of making a quick buck at someone else's expense. With the proliferation of all these signs and warnings comes an acceptance by force, since I have no choice but to be constantly in their midst, but No Live Animals? C'mon.
This topic is consistent with one of the general themes of my blog; things done changed. There was once in era where there were only warnings posted next to electric fences and lion cages. Allergies were as common as white, north American born NBA players and children would come home from a day at school with a hole in their jeans, a grass stain and maybe a black eye. We now live in a culture that is over-protecting, paranoid and generally pussy-hole gentrified. Be tough, quit bitching and next time you see a flattened raccoon by the side of the road, grab a snow shovel and a pair of gloves and GPS the nearest restaurant you want to metaphorically shit on.
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