Next Tuesday, LeBron and his new bunk-buddies the Miami Heat square-off against the Celtics in the opening game of the 2010-11 NBA season and I could not be more excited.
Considering how many vitriolic statements I've made towards the Celtics, it may surprise you that I am actually disregarding my past hatred to throw my complete support behind the Celtics Tuesday (there is nobody as surprised as my ex, who is a massive Kevin Garnett and Celtics fan. I once bought her a KG shirt and nearly vomited as I handed the cashier my money - however I must point-out I drew wood every time she made an NBA related anecdote.) Furthermore, since Queen James and the Heat are the odds-on-favorite to win the Eastern Conference and dethrone Doc Rivers and his boys, and my hometown team, the Raptors look to be nothing more than a skeleton of their former selves, I will be supporting the Celtics this year in hopes they destroy Miami.
I offer three postulates for why this match-up and season-long battle will be the best story in the NBA's best season since Michael torched the Utah Jizz in 1998.
Dwanye, Chris and a Pussy. An entrance fit for a professional wrestler - soooo gay1) As previously stated on this very blog, I hate LeBron James because he pussied-out and signed with Miami. A true champion a la Kobe, Michael, Magic or Larry Legend would never compromise their standing as an absolute killer to join a team because their collected worth seemed destined for greatness. True champions are pioneers, not followers.
The result of the bow tie selection was not as slimming as initially thought.
2) Boston's off season signings were made to defeat Miami and expose their weaknesses. Celtic's GM Danny Ainge could not give a fuck about the rest of the Eastern Conference. Where Miami's strength is in their perimeter play with James and Dwanye Wade, new South Beacher Chris Bosh will have trouble not being brutally raped each night alongside center Joel Anthony - who is Canadian - need I say more?
Because of this apparent weakness, Ainge went out and not only signed 7-footer Jermaine O'Neal, but also his namesake, and generally one of my favorites, the Big Aristotle, Shaquille O'Neal. The addition of these two to a frontcourt that already features future Hall Of Famer Kevin Garnett, 7-foot defensive specialist Kendrick Perkins and Glen 'Big Baby' Davis should spell disaster for the Heat. I can't wait to see Shaq take a massive dump on Bosh's chest while he dangles nearly 400 hundred pounds of blackness from the rim.
With PhotoShop, any moms can bang a baller. Gloria seen here carousing with Delonte at a Cleveland area club.3) Finally, the main reason why I am really pumped for this match-up, LeBron's mom is a slut. During last year's playoffs, LeBron and the Cavs had a commanding lead on the Celtics, until games 5 and 6, when LeBron apparently gave-up and shit the bed. There has been much speculation as to why, but the most likely scenario is a rumour that has gained a fair deal of momentum online. Legitimate sports media broadcasters have made only subtle references to it, but the fact remains, LeBron's ex-teammate in Cleveland, Delonte West, had an affair with LeBron's mother Gloria James. Don't believe me? Google that shit - it's true.
Apparently, the secret affair between Gloria and Delonte was uncovered in the hours leading-up to game 5, and at that exact moment, LeBron stopped giving a fuck about Cleveland and the empire he had built there. You may be asking yourself 'why is this relevant to the Heat-Celtics match-up'? Well, because Celtic front-office maestro Danny Ainge signed Mr. West to play back-up point guard. This was clearly a move to frustrate LeBron, since Boston's starting point guard Rajon Rondo is an All-Star and back-up Nate Robinson proved his worth in last year's playoffs and the need for another point guard is clearly not required. Perhaps Mr. Ainge has wisely found the kryptonite to LeBron's SuperWoman. Genius move.
Can't wait for Tuesday night.
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